It was a beautiful summer afternoon in Napa. I was enjoying a beer with Nerdie at an outdoor table on Main Street. We were cracking jokes, laughing and flirting.
We starting talking about his roommate who has the uncanny ability to get girls, and get them into bed fast.
I witnessed this firsthand, repeatedly. One Friday night, Nerdie and I were sitting on his couch watching Hulu getting high using our individually preferred methods, when we heard a knock at the door.
Roomie, let’s give him a name…Slayer, comes down the hall, to the front door, opens, greets her, and starts walking back with her to his bedroom. He introduces us, we barely turn to say hi, and everyone carries on with their business.
On one such occasion that exact greeting scenario was happening, only this time we say our half-hearted hello, and she responds,
“I’ve been here before.”
Oh shit! Slayer brings home so many girls that Nerdie didn’t even recognize her…hilarious!
Now I’m skeptical about his prowess. Slayer is about 6′, 28 years old, messy as fuck with a dog and a cat, decent job, slim but not fit, 420, pointy nose, blond hair, plays D&D, endearing dorky laugh, loves black girls.
Ok, he has some charm to him, but WTF?!? How in the fuck does he get first dates to not only come to his apartment, but right to his bedroom? What the hell does he say on POF (his preferred dating app)?
I wanted to investigate.
So laughing and pondering over this conundrum on that sunny afternoon at that Main Street bar, Nerdie and I come up with a masterful, pause…fucking masterful plan.
CATFISH SLAYER ON POF!
We go back to my place and put Nerdie in my white skinny jeans. Baby’s “back” does rival mine…mmm hmmm!
He sticks it out to the left. I snap a pic. And we are off!
But wait…what should our profile name be? Well, something to attract Slayer of course. Nerdie slam dunk!
Next decision point…headline.
Hot Coffey looking for some creamer
Nerdie crushes the 3-pointer!
She is 23, black, from Santa Rosa, 6′, smokes occasionally, has an athletic body type, is non-religious, and is seeking a man for dating. Her profession is ‘bud tender.’ She has a Bachelors degree, doesn’t do “drugs,” has a car, no kids, makes $50-75k, does not want to date someone with kids, is ambitious and has no pets. She wants to date but nothing serious, and her longest relationship was under a year.
Smoking weed and hanging with my friends. I work hard and play even harder.
The politics and social climate we find ourselves in today.
The internet just officially broke – our inbox quickly fills to 99+ messages!
While we try to find Slayer’s profile, let’s have a little fun, shall we?
I can be your creamer. Promise you won’t be disappointed with my attributes.
I got creamer and weed.
You ever find that creamer? Let’s smoke!
Wassup wit u?
I ain’t creamer, but can I be the hot fudge to your sundae?
On the floor. Tears rolling down our faces. Stomach pains. Faces hurt.
Our only profile pic is Nerdie’s ass so quickly we start getting requests for face pics – fuck!
We both start trolling for black girl face shots on the internet. Not too slutty. Not too pro. Wholesome, but with a look in her eye.
Found it! She’s in the car, light-skinned, black long-sleeved sweater with U-shaped collar. Cute, short, straight hair. Tasteful, if not just a little big, diamond earrings. Simple make-up. Clear, beautiful skin. She’s grinning politely, no teeth. Has her left hand tucking her hair behind her ear.
The internet births an A-bomb. 99+ becomes 99+ no matter how many we view.
So we both start responding for shits and giggles while we hunt for the Slayer.
Mmmm, I like sweets.
I’m still looking for my creamer, is it you?
Tell me about those attributes…
Hot fudge where?
This goes on for weeks. The app is on Nerdie’s phone so anytime we are together, I grab it and start searching, and sending stupid ass messages back to these stupid ass 20-somethings. God I’m glad I’m not my nieces! Fuck that noise as Nerdie would say.
Then one day I’m searching away and just like that, I hit the lotto…Slayer’s profile. Insert image of heavens opening with angels singing.
His profile pic is with his dog…ok, cute.
But the words…OMG the words. Long, rambling, bad grammar, misspelling, lots of words that together say nothing notable. Hanging with friends. The outdoors. 420.
And my dick goes soft. What? That’s it? I thought we were going to get the secret sauce recipe. Now I’m even more confused then when this all started.
But fuck, was that fun…and still is! I downloaded the app for my phone, signed in with Nerdie’s account, and when I’m bored some nights I go on and fuck around some more with the 99+ messages that are always there.
And that’s how my BFs ass broke the internet. I bet you saw this video coming from a zillion miles away…