How to turn me on emotionally
“This section shares a few basics of how you operate on an emotional level. The goal is to lay out your emotional groundwork so a partner will be aware of your land mines.”
I am not sure I care for the negative approach this section takes to the subject. Rather than sharing details about how to turn me on emotionally in order avoid land mines, I’d prefer to think about it as sharing your emotional turn ons so a partner knows how best to connect with you and care for you emotionally.
- What small gestures carry extra meaning for you? Tell a story summarizing a small kindness that touched you. (Repeat as desired)
Thinking back over all the various relationships I have had, intimate or no, I can point to two very important small gestures that carry extra meaning for me: Touch and Personalized Thoughtfulness.
This is for those intimate relationships.
If I have gotten to know you, I know how you feel. I can pick your body parts out of a line up with a blindfold.
I know the firmness of your booty. The softness or sharp feeling of your hair as I run my hand up the back of your head. The firmness of your pecs. The silky smoothness of your wide chest. The coarse curly hair on your chest. The girth of your biceps. Your clean shaven face. Your sharp, stubbled face. My hand being engulfed by your long, lush beard. I know many of your marks, your scars, your moles – because I have run my hands over them a million times. I know the feeling of my mouth pulling on your lower lip and running my tongue across it. I know the angle of your nose. The bushiness of your eyebrow and its coarse feeling under my index finger. I know the touch of my lips to your neck. The striation of your hamstring when I attempt to put my hands around your thick thigh. The valley of your lower back. The curvature of your upper back rounding to your shoulders.
I also know your touch very well. Enveloping one of my breasts in your hand and giving it a good squeeze. The brush of your hand across my ass as you walk by. When you slide your hand up the back of my neck, fingers through my hair, and you pull me in to lock lips. Running your rough, soft, wide, slim, long hands over the curves of my calves, twisting across my knee and up along my inner thigh. Your tightening grip on my throat as your cock slams into me. An unexpected hug from behind. I can feel your lips on my neck, your boney chin on the top of my head – and the warmth of feeling safe. Being jerked back as I walk past, by the belt loop, by the arm, for a passionate kiss. I love holding your hand. I love when you fill up your hands with both of my ass cheeks. I love on the rare occasion when the butterflies in my pussy flutter as you kiss me with passion. I love the feeling of your stone cock sliding in me the second after I’ve climaxed and my pussy becomes an ocean.
You’ve taken the time and interest to get to know me. You are noticing the little things I do, wear, and talk about – and you care. Big gifts are always welcome, but I pay most attention to the small gestures that show you’ve been observing and want to express your interest in and feelings for me.
I like any door opened for me. The chair pulled out. Help getting my coat off. Help putting my coat on. A small compliment about how my hair looks today. I like a pause of whatever is going on because you need a kiss right then. I love a handwritten note with tender words. When we are walking through a store, I casually mention something I like, and then you secretly go back, buy it and surprise me with it a week later.
Ok, maybe this isn’t personalized thoughtfulness. I guess I’m just a regular, squishy, sappy girl…LOL.
- What gestures increase intimacy for you? (reaching out in time of need, holding you while you cry, etc.) Tell a story summarizing this gesture that was meaningful for you. (Repeat as desired)
Touch absolutely increases intimacy for me (as described above). I think it’s because my family members weren’t big on it when I was growing up. You got a hug when you arrived and when you left, that’s it. I crave it now.
Hugs. Being all wrapped up together on a couch or in the bed. Feeling your skin on mine.
Similarly, small expressions of how you feel about me carries a lot of weight. It need not be a soliloquy of forever devotion, but I didn’t hear many positive affirmations growing up. Not about my appearance nor my intelligence.
While I crave them, not surprisingly, they are hard for me to communicate about you to you, so please be patient as I get comfortable with you.
I love a random text about anything or nothing – just that you are thinking about me and want to connect. I love talking for hours about anything or nothing – intimacy for the brain is sexy af.
- What kind of communication do you prefer? Tell a story of an instance of good communications.
I have a lot of opinions about communication. Not to belabor the point, but verbal and physical communication in my family has been mostly non-existent. It’s all nicey nice, the hug when you arrive and depart, gossip and drawing conclusions in between the lines of someone’s behaviors, but rarely addressed directly.
It has taken me work to be more communicative verbally and physically. I’ve never been so cuddly and touchy feely as I am now. As a point of reference, physical touch was so bad with PhD that in a king sized bed we had each separate sheets and a comforter – that’s one king sized sheet and one king sized comforter for each of us in one king sized bed. We never touched each other. Now, Nerdie and I squish up together sleeping like spoons in the utensil drawer under one set of queen sized blankets in one queen sized bed.
I’m still working on the verbal communication. It can still be hard to put the words through my lips outside of my brain. Even when I know the person waiting to hear the words will accept me no matter what and wants to hear my thoughts and feelings. Work in progress.
Overall I do prefer direct communication – even if I’m not always there myself. I am from the northeast after all. Too much of the nicey nice or indecision frustrates me.
- How do you react to conflict? How would you prefer a partner react?
I’m not a screamer (except in the BR 🙂 I won’t say mean things. I don’t do drama.
It took a fair number of hard conversations to get to this great place where Nerdie and I are, but we did them all. Sometimes we didn’t agree, but we never gave up. We found our place where we understand, like really understand, the other person, their needs, wants, desires and are comfortable, confident, reassured and loved there. It was a long process, but we put in the work. We were both committed to hearing and understanding where the other person was at and how we could support each other. It didn’t always go smoothly, but at the foundation, our commitment to each other was always there and so we talked for as long or as many times as needed to find a place where we both felt safe and supported.
My history was three back to back monogamous relationships spanning 20+ years. I still want variety, adventure, new people, new experiences.
Nerdie had an on and off again, drama-filled 10 year relationship interspersed with lots of adventurous dating. He wants stability, acceptance, and to pour his love into one person that would reciprocate just as hard.
It took us a minute to figure all this out about each other – through lots of conversations – lots and lots!
For the first three years of our relationship, he didn’t date at all. I was sowing my wild oats. Now he’s been seeing the same woman for 2+ years. She’s been over to dinner, and to Christmas dinner at his mom’s (as a ‘neighborhood friend’). I’m FB friends with her. Generally, my lovers come and go every 1 to 2 to 3 to 8 months. Nerdie hasn’t met many of them.
I want my partner to react to conflict as I do – calm and communicative – no matter how hard it may be. Maybe we won’t be able to find a pathway forward, but I hope to part civilly as adults. Did I mention I don’t do drama? I’d sooner walk away.
- What is the best way for a partner to build trust with you?
This one is easy for me too. You build trust with me by doing what you say – over and over and over and over again.
I have a sort of lover right now, let’s call him Mr. Motorcycle. For the past three years, he’s appeared and disappeared. He’s busy with business across the country and is a single father of two twin girls he commissioned a surrogate to produce. He texts with no regularity – gone for months before reappearing requesting my presence at his country home 40 minutes away generally at 11PM.
I would like for him to be my primary secondary, but I’ve only seen him twice in all that time. We do have wild physical chemistry together even though we’ve never had sex. I think I would fit into his lifestyle well. I’m very understanding about his life and its constraints and commitments. I just want to know what he wants and needs. Just let me know you’ll be away for work for a month or on vacay or whatever it is. It shows you respect me and my time and effort.
He’s not building any trust with me despite my giving him all the opportunity and space to. Yesterday, I sent him a very honest, straight forward text about what I am looking for with him. He will respond, eventually, and it may be the beginning or the end or perhaps I just realize he’s just going to float in and out as usual (which is honestly most likely). I just need to decide if I’m ok with that.